Jun 12 2017 – the little window that opened

The fact that I did not write for the past month pretty much sums up how I have been feeling. Lost, sad and alone. I was in a very bad place and projecting my badness to the people around me.

I was frustrated about not knowing where the future was going. I was disappointed in myself for not having a plan B. After getting waitlist-ed AGAIN this year, THEN I started looking for a plan B. but everything was too late. In the midst of it all, I choose to take my disappointment for myself out at those closest to me… This is a lesson I will never forget. Something I know I can and will never do again. I pushed away my friends, I pushed X away and I pushed away my family. I did the same thing I did to S… got drunk… called X and ended things. But the majority of the conversation, I don’t even remember half of it.

Then… a window opened. I got accepted off of the waitlist. Round 3. The moment I saw that email… I will never forget. I had just finished pipetting a 384well qpcr plate. I took off my gloves to open the door and conveniently reached for my phone to check for the time. Then the email rolled in… I remember my head got light. My heart buzzed. Funny, because the last time I felt this way was when X told me he had a new girl.  I’m still processing whether this is a dream or not.

I do not regret being waitlisted, not one moment. It has taught me something SO invaluable. To value wholeness and happiness whenever, and as it is. No matter how sad you are about a situation, learn to appreciate the small pieces of happiness around you. It may be invisible to the eye, in the form of love, in the unspoken words, in the quiet prayers; but it has never left and tomorrow will be a better day.

I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.
– Kurt Vonnegut

I can’t foresee the future ahead but I know I am in a much better place than before. Still cannot believe that I’m going to be a doctor. PLUS I’m getting a rose gold 12inch macbook because girl’s still gotta be basic.

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