Flight back home is delayed, apparently it is wet and ugly in Vancouver. Still, I cannot wait to go back home to shower and nap. This weeekend has been a mixture of lack of sleep, too much booze, binge eating, and actuaries.
Friday, BP and I got all the touristy stuff out of the way. We walked around town and stumbled upon a hipster bakery that made a crossiant-muffin chimera; cleverly named a cruffin. Then we went to Lombard street, fishermans wharf, in-and-our, Alcatraz. The whole deal. We did so much the first day that both of us were ready to go to bed at 6pm. All the stuff really distracted me from what occupied my mind the most: X. I made up my mind to end things with him, but he didn’t seem too excited to see me this weekend. We made plans to see each other, but I was doubtful and insecure the entire weekend when he didn’t follow up.
At night, we made plans to go out with my cousins and her hot coworkers. They were gorgeous human beings that did not eat to stay beautiful. I don’t think I can ever live like that. I ended up going home with one of them… I kind of knew it was going to happen, but he works with X… so the web is getting more complex. He knows about X and I, but nothow close we are. I’m not going to designate a letter to him yet, I don’t think he is significant enough to get one.
Saturday, we all woke hungover. BP is starting a tradition of drinking an Irish coffee every morning. Oh my god. That was definitely not the best idea in the world that morning. We went to the farmers market and gossiped about what happened the night before. It was all very sex and the city. We did some shopping and ate some good food. Dude-who-works-with-X wanted to hang out with us again, but we just wanted a girls night and left him hanging.
Sunday began with $12 bottomless-mimosas at brunch. Which is probably the best and worst thing ever invented. We got day drunk and met up with Dude-who-works-with-X at Delores Park. Which is where the hippies hang out in. He came in a tank top and decided to remove that piece of clothing to suntan. Man.. he is a fineeeeee. We people watched and hung out. Then all went home to napped. While all this is happening, I was wondering what X and I are gonna do at night…
X finally decided to message me before his dance practice to ask what the plan was. At this point BP and my cousin were both angry and said I shouldn’t go hang out with him. Because even if I was a regular friend visiting, he should have made an effort to solidify plans and settle on a date/time to meet. But I really needed/wanted to see him. Even if I pretend to be strong I am so hopelessly pulled back. He picked me up in Oakland and I had no appetite to eat out, so we just went home and cooked steak and instant noodles. It wasn’t anything special but it was perfect.
Around midnight I started telling him that I wanted to end things. He was confused about how I felt, and didn’t want to end things. Which was what I was afraid of… I told him I felt insecure and vulnerable because I liked him so much. Also, that I hated the fact that I got jealous over the girl that slept over. He told me to stop thinking that I am not special. I am special, I just need to understand he doesn’t always show it the way hes shown it before. He whispered sweet words and the courage I had to end things, were all gone. He actually got mad at one point when I said I’m upset that he doesn’t treat me the same as before. He said I am the person that helped him change over the past three month. He doesn’t want my love if I love the person he was before, he wanted me to love the person that he is now. Just like that, we were back to normal. Bantering away while laughing about random stuff. I ended up telling him about his coworker that I hooked up with, since he was going to find out anyways. X got excited and asked me a bunch of questions. He told me they finally slept together that morning and then made fun of me by asking if I was triggered. *insert eyeroll* We ended the night with him peeling clementines for me while we stretched/rolled out our muscles next to each other with black mirror playing in the background.
We fell asleep and he told me to never hide things from him again, he doesn’t want me to bottle things up. On one hand I am disappointed that I couldn’t end things. But I am also glad and so happy to be able to love him like this, so comfortably and (most of the time) effortlessly.