I have been spending quite a lot of time with M. It started last Friday, I was feeling lonely after having dinner with an old friend. I was still mad at X. So I texted M to hang out. Super spontaneous, but I really just craved to be held.
I walked into it with the intention of a replacement, but now it seems a little bit more than that. He has the same music tastes as me, same humour, and I like spending time with him. I am still treading carefully. I don’t want to divert my anger and finding comfort in another man because of that.
I ignored X the entire weekend out of spite. After that, I realize I really cannot continue talking to him. It is affecting my mental health because I am so controlled by him. I decided I was going to end things with him, end it before I ruin what we have with my jealousy and immaturity. Clicking pause and putting all the memories into storage. We don’t want to be, and should not be, with each other right now. Loving him like this and continuing talking like this. Getting affected so much by what he does, is making our relationship less honest. Completely different from what I fell in love with.
But that afternoon, X called… then all the love rose up again, as if it never really left in the first place. When he said he wanted to call, I pushed my tutoring back and sat in the car to call him. He updated me on what was going on in his life. I was worried because he said he felt a little depressed lately. He got triggered by something his ex did. We chatted while I taught him how to cook salmon haha. He also told me he started talking to a guy and I’m happy for him. Then he told me his spring break plans and he’s going to Vegas, and the girl who slept over was going to. I think that’s when it happened, I started ranting to him about all the feelings I had bottled up. He listened, while asking me if it was time to flip the salmon. We have such a weird relationship. X was quite oblivious to how I was feeling. Then he said, “would you be this bothered if the guy slept over instead of the girl?”. I did not know how to answer him… I did not know how to explain my jealousy. I am spending one day with him this weekend… I hope I can put my foot down and end things.
Current mood: Warm On A Cold Night – by HONNE